Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
