I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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