He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
