On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
