Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
