peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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