she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
did i just pee glitter
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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