BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
