foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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