no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
