the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
either way he was missing a nipple.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
