I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
