i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
