My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
