She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
