So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
not ubering you a puppy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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