We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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