The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
