With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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