Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
