Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
its liver damage thursday
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
