I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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