need another drink. this is the easiest way
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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