Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
