sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
