i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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