i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
