I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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