The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
