did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She told me I should be a condom model.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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