True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
