Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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