he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's rum buckets o'clock
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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