Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
