I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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