Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
