i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
