I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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