I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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