i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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