and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
