My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
