Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
