Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
