there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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