why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
