Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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