Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
