First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
