I'm jealous of your bromance
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
vagina is talking i cant
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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