I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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